Surfer Chick – Phuket Sailing Club

Sailing in Greece – Give and receive

Five months in and my garden is thriving… blooming in every corner. Tomatoes, green beans and chilli are ready for harvest. As is arugola, radish, basil, mint, lemon balm, dill and parsley. The fig tree is bursting with fruit. The orange tree is developing new ones as we speak. For so many years I was dreaming of having my own garden where I could invite friends and strangers for a good meal next to an old olive tree, underneath the Mediterranean sun. Does it mean I am in a dream dreaming now? So grateful that I’ve stuck to my beliefs. In all the many areas of life.

I had this lovely older Italian couple, guests, over for breakfast many mornings, and I almost had to pinch myself. Is this for real now? Are there actual human beings visiting the garden that I’ve spent so many hours making fruitful and cozy, eating the food that I have carefully prepared for them with not only good natural ingredients and love, but that which is the result of years of visualization and contemplation. All those nights at sea below a star filled sky when I pondered upon my purpose on earth. Where I solidified my truest intentions. I knew it would happen one day. Was just not sure when, where and how. I am humbled by what I can create and share, and for what we can do for each other. The little things with big meaning.

Four weeks left of my Holistic Health coaching school. As I sit down to read through the health diaries by the many test subjects that I invited for my final work assignment, another wave of humbleness and gratitude flushes over me. We all have our struggles. We’re all just human. Transient beings with a human body experience perhaps. But we’re all made of the same things, we all have similar desires. We’re all particles of the same infinite energy. Which is why we all could be teachers of one another. Once we open our hearts and realize we’re not alone in any of this.

So grateful for having found this path. Many years it took for me to understand my mission. And while I am still in the early stages of both gardening and health coaching, I see there is a higher purpose and profound meaningfulness in both. To give and receive. To nurture, aid and guide, while simultaneously receiving food and inspiration for my own life and soul. Things are the way they should be. It should be no other way.

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Ocean Perception

Afternoon stand up paddle around that island under a heavy overcast sky and such stillness in the air it felt like the world was put on pause for a moment. Gliding over the bay above 10-15 meter depth, clearly seeing the sandy bottom with no distraction of direct sunlight made you feel you were flying above ground when looking down.

Flying, stroke by stroke moving through, up in the clouds. Beautifully surreal. Smoothly moving on mirror-like water, yet feeling like flying high in the sky. Suddenly I lost balance and my legs got shaky. Damn the mind! How powerful is it. Only by the brief thought that I could potentially fall down from my imaginary cloud, my legs started tremble. Silly mind. Tremendous mind. Extraordinary mind.

The things we can create or destroy with the capacity of our thoughts. Scary, impressive and so very intriguing all at once. All the things we could conceive…

The sounds of the world reappeared as I closed in on the uninhabited island. Seagulls scream. A gentle swell bounced of the cliffs. A light crashing sound and a clucking noise as the waves got trapped underneath stones and tilted mountain ridges. Not as deep water now, bottom changed from bluish to turquoisish. I felt the need to throw off my bikini and swim naked.

As I turned around the island on the NE:ern side, a tiny bay with thousands of perfectly rounded melon and avocado sized marble rocks exposed themselves through the shallow water. Striking colour combination of the white stone, the water and the mellow sunlight making an attempt to penetrate through the heavy cloud blanket.

I let the board float free with the paddle atop and wrangled myself out of my swimwear. Touching the round stone bottom with my feet, embracing the chilly water with my body as it embraced me. Closed my eyes and sunk my self below the surface. Cold and crisp, a light icy shock wave washed away the outside world. Silence beneath.

Used the side of the cliff to get back up on the board. Cold wet hair slicked to the back. Skin covered in goosebumps. Everything damp as the air around me. Back at circumnavigating the island. Up in the air, down by the water. What is real in this beautifully weird world anyways.

Magical sailing week coming up

Dear friends and followers. Time has finally come to gather a beautiful group to our first yoga and wellness retreat. So excited to spend a week with wonderful people and making new friends. Share healthy meals, practice yoga and meditation, be outdoors in great weather, good water activity, try some nice local wines and have many inspiring uplifting conversations, I’m sure.

Each day begins with a short bike ride to Golden Beach, where we start the new day with a sunrise yoga class in the sand, followed by a dip in the turquoise water before returning to a wholesome breakfast in our garden. During the day we arrange optional excursions – hiking, kayaking, wind surfing, horse riding, kite-boarding or simply exploring the fascinating history of the island in your own tempo.

At night we have another yoga class, followed by a group acupuncture or Thai massage session. The meals are locally sourced farm-to-table produce prepared with love, and a holistic view on nutrition and overall health and vitality. We’ll live near each other and anyone can join in preparing the food if one wishes. You may chill by the pool, or take off on your own to explore the island or the neighboring islands if you like. I’ve been here for a month now and feel I have only scratched the surface of what Paros offers. I am sure you’d find it equally satisfying, and probably will wish to come back sometime after our week together. The Cyclades seem to have that affect on many. There’s a magical feel to it, especially here on Paros, that many speak about, yet nobody seem to know for sure what exactly it is… I know for certain that it wasn’t just a coincidence that I ended up here.

This retreat is for a limited number of guests, we want to make this experience feel intimate and personal to all of us. Have more time and be able to give better attention to each participant. We welcome both women and men, from anywhere in the world, any age category and you can be a beginner or an experienced yogi. The focus here is not on achieving, but simply letting go of every day duties and immerse in a peaceful experience in beautiful nature – among positive, uplifting people.

Phuket Island life

Hi friends,

I’ve had a three week long vacation visiting my family in Finland and friends in Sweden. Been skiing at the very Northern top of Finnish Lapland, and just tried catching up on all lost time after having been fooling around in the world for quite some years. So happy I decided to move back to Europe as it makes seeing them all much easier. Nothing more important in the end of the day.

Also have had time to finish my website for my new endeavor. THIS is what I have been talking about! Might seem it went very quickly to develop. I’ve only been here a month in total. But these ideas, and my vision and intention have been within me for many years now. The seeds have finally started growing into something substantial and tangible. I’m very grateful to the owners of these villas for trusting me to represent their properties, and for being so open minded with all my ideas.

The vacation homes that I rent out, in combination with my holistic view on food, nutrition and life in general creates a very intimate, personal experience for the visitor. There are only two accommodations available, one three bedroom house (sleeps 8) and one one bedroom apartment (sleeps 4). I live right next door, and serve breakfast for guests in the morning and give tips on things to do on the island. I also have a very spontaneous garden café open most days of the week during high season. Meaning, I cook and prepare the sort of food I feel in the mood for that specific day. No fixed menus, just a very easy going approach to food and eating and if you get the sense that you are visiting someones home, then I have succeeded. It’s all small scale, very personal.

I have started growing my own organic food, so far the seeds of cherry tomatoes, oregano, nero di toscana kale, red basil and broccoletti have begun sprouting. What a beautiful process seeing something grow from almost nothing. A very inspiring process to witness.

We’re located right in the middle of the most gorgeous natural land on Paros. In between a majestic mountain range, olive groves and the beautiful Mediterranean sea. The sea view is insane, sun rising behind the island of Naxos each morning. And the Golden Beach (where I made my previous video), is a 10 min bike ride away. You can see it from the terrace of each villa.

The Mermaid Dance on the Golden Beach

I have been waiting for this high to dissipate. Feels as if I’m constantly jacked up on a mixture of speed and mdma. Full of energy. Drenched in gratitude. Love pouring through in everything I do. Almost thought I was going crazy. Was I really that depressed and unhappy to feel this way suddenly? But it’s been three weeks now and my love for life and this new… life… is still growing. It may sound bananas, but I wake up at 6 or 7 am with a smile on my face almost each morning. Looking out at sea, or the majestic mountain behind the house and my blood and heart is being filled with such powerful earth energy that I think I might die and it is ok, as I have experienced IT. Total bliss. Extreme appreciation. Indescribable love. A long lasting natural high in its truest form. If there’s any parameter for happiness, I feel my termometer is boiling and about to explode.

Been thinking much about self love lately on all my meditative drives and walks I’ve made in this breathtaking nature through mountains and valleys (seriously, it hurts the eye and makes you want to cry, that beautiful it is. pics coming..) Ultimately, being alone, particularly in such an otherworldly calm and rejuvenating environment, allows you to tap into that genuine love and care for the self so beautifully. By realizing if this nature is so magical in all its ways from the sunrise to dawn, then so are all we who came from it. We all are a part of this brilliance, we must never forget that!

We are all beautiful and mesmerizing and gorgeous in our own ways. We need to appreciate it. Express it in all the ways our bodies and souls yearns for. We mustn’t forget to show love, appreciation and thankfulness to where we came from. Nature and the divine source energy that we all consist of, like stars in the universe or luminescent plankton in the ocean. We are all part of the whole, connected in spirit. We are no products of a square society, we are no machines that has to be materially successful. We are not someone who have to fit in or look a certain way to be of value. Please don’t ever buy into that. We are just who we are. With our blood and skin and flesh and bones and flaws and perfect imperfections. We are soulful beings full of energy, living in a magical beautiful world that can teach us more about ourselves than we knew there was to us.

Your dreams and that which your heart desire is what is you. Don’t close it up. Let it out. Let it fly. Fulfill the essence of you and the mother source will reward you for being authentic. It took me some time to find my way back to the purity of nature and my existence within it. But I will spend the rest of my days expressing my gratitude to her in all the ways I am able. Because she is me, as she is you. We are nothing without her…

Winter comfort food on board of our Yacht

A warming bowl of slow cooked veggies served with brown rice hasn’t killed anyone. Especially when it is as cold as it is outside. This meal has all the proteins, fats and carbs you need to keep you energized on a cold winters day. You know all those things that maintain muscle and gives you energy.

A few general tips and ideas I’d like to share with you today:

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– If cooking isn’t already a routine, consider introducing more of it into your life. The nutrients you get from whole foods is another planet of favor you do to your body compared with processed foods. We have a whole universe of cells and microorganisms in our bodies that needs to thrive in order for us to be healthy, and each time you put something in your stomach, you either help building yourself up or break your body down. Food is that powerful my friends! We have to learn to respect that fully.

– Don’t be shy with the herbs! Mix and match and have fun with them. That is where you will get all that desirable flavor. I have a handful of dill and a handful of parsley chopped into this one. Yes! You can mix dill with parsley, and cilantro and thyme and sage as well. Anything goes baby. It’s often in the unexpected combination where the magic happens.

– The same with spices. Don’t be afraid to mix things up and add also a bit more flavor than you’re used to. Paprika, cumin, himalayan salt, black pepper, oregano, nutmeg, chili flakes and a bit of sweetener from honey or agave to balance are all part of many of my dishes. Start with a little, taste it off, add some more, taste it…

– Ginger ginger ginger. I use ginger in anything from oatmeal to juices to stews, soups and baked stuff. Add just enough so the flavor doesn’t overpower, but well enough so that you can feel that sting of health and sweetness come through.

– I never use pre-made vegetable stock as it often contain ingredients I do not want in my food such as MSG, high levels of sodium, additives, sugar and GMO’s. It is so very easy to make your own stock using potato/carrot peel, onion skins, leak tops, vegetable stems, water, spices, herbs.. But if you don’t have that prepared, the herbs, spices and a good oil in combination with slow lengthy cooking is what will give your food a natural wholesome flavor. Learn to work with only natural ingredients always.

– I always opt for brown or wild rice instead of basmati, jasmine or regular white rice. Why? Because the white rice IS the brown rice but without the natural wholeness to the grain. Brown rice, unlike white rice, still has the hull and bran and is rich in proteins, thiamine, calcium, magnesium, fiber, and potassium. Why would you want to miss out on all that when you have a choice? All foods are best for your body when they are as little manipulated and refined as possible. For those trying to lose weight or those suffering from diabetes, brown rice can prove a healthful staple given its low glycemic rating which helps reduce insulin spikes.

– Splurge on olive oil. It’s one of the most nutrient rich fats you can get your hands on and gives such rich round flavor to your concoctions. Choose an organic quality oil to feel the difference it makes.

– Garlic is more magical than you might realize so make sure to use it in as many foods as you can. Garlic possesses antiviral, antibacterial, anti-fungal properties allowing it to stand against pretty much all sorts of infections. One particular substance found in garlic called ajoene has been used to help prevent infections with Candida overgrowth. And as you might know, garlic is great for boosting the immune system as a whole, as it contain high levels of vitamin C.

Additionally, it is also being identified as a serious anti-cancer food. Scientists believe that the exceptional anti-cancer properties may have to do with the way that garlic boosts the production of something known as hydrogen sulfide. Interestingly, high (daily) intake of garlic has been found to lower risk of virtually all cancer types except cancer of the prostate and breast cancer. However, moderate intake of garlic (roughly translated as several times per week) has been repeatedly found to lower risk of only two cancer types—colorectal and renal cancer. This difference between “high” versus “moderate” garlic intake may be a real difference that suggests we all need to eat more garlic if we want to maximize its cancer-related benefits.

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As I said, food carry such immense power. Especially when the produce you use is organic as the nutrients are kept and the nasty chemicals of pesticides won’t come and destroy the beautiful healing of the body you are trying to achieve.

I know some of you may want a recipe for this meal but I hate writing them.. Never really follow a recipe (unless I cook out of someone else’s, recipe…) normally I just throw in what I find suitable. So here’s a general guideline quick for this warm, soothing, plant based winter bowl:

At low heat, sauté onion in olive oil until brown, then add garlic, ginger and all those nice herbs. Leave it to sauté on low heat for around 10 min, stirring occasionally – and always on low heat my dear! You don’t want to mess up your food by killing nutrients at too high heat + burned garlic is not very delicious.

Add in chopped veggies whatever you may have in the fridge. I had mushrooms, red pepper, courgettes. Add salt and spices, taste it off. Increase heat for a bit to give the vegetables a brownish hue while stirring to incorporate the herbs and spices. Then lower again and pour a cup or so of water and some more oil onto it. More salt and spices as the water have diluted so much of it at this point. Leave to simmer for quite some time. Maybe 45 min, maybe an hour. Add more water, add more spices. And to make the sauce thicker, use either a half cup of water mixed with a teaspoon wholewheat flour, or some cornstarch to give the sauce the thickness it needs. Serve with brown rice.

Miami beach and sailing in the USA

Oh hey! Entering this new year looking back at the previous one. It almost feels like my life in Miami and the US was a dream, was it even for real? More than anything, it was a trip through the mind and an advancement of my personal consciousness. It was a year in which I subconsciously as well as later on, purposefully, expanded into the mold that I was born for. I downsized in many ways, but grew in other. Many times while still living in Miami, I felt like I wasn’t myself. So surreal and impossible to describe. But almost like an out of body experience. Didn’t recognize certain parts of the person that I normally am. But looking back at it from a distance, I know how much purpose such an odd/uncomfortable experience has. Not least because it forced me to turn myself upside down and inside out to realize what the fuck I am supposed to do with myself moving forward.

Even though I honestly didn’t feel for much really, cooking was a comforting part of the past year. Mostly for myself in my tiny little studio that i rented on Miami Beach. While listening to music, meditating, reading and dreaming of tiny little islands and more gentler climate. Some photos of that studio:

It was a fulfilling task to decorate an empty space, after having lived many years on a sailboat. The comparatively small space, felt enormous to me. So grateful to be able to move freely without ducking and dodging corners and low ceilings! Did my best not to clutter the home. Clean space and fresh air is where I thrive the most.

Lots of light and open space.

98% decorated with old vintage finds and small treasures from the boat. The less new material which leads to over production in an already extremely wasteful world, the better imo.

The same goes for books, always ordering used ones when possible. And yes I still prefer the feeling of turning pages with my fingers, rather than swiping on something impersonal that needs electricity and hurt the eye. Not super positive now that it’s being shipped from America though….

Some of you may wonder what I worked with over the 2,5 years I was in the US in total. Besides working on opening that café you know, and building my little take-out company in Massachusetts before that, I also worked in several different restaurants, partly to gain some insights into running a restaurant in America. This pic is from my friend’s Turkish restaurant on South Beach where I worked as bartender/waitress 😀 Good times..

Back to the apartment. Might not be so interesting for you to see all these shots but I’m keeping this blog as my diary as well and pics always remember more than the mind.

Chickpea and root vegetable soup in the making.

Organic TVP soy protein with sprouted lentils, vegetables and basil/cilantro pesto.

Raw strawberry cake with lemon cashew filling. Obsessed that I easily get at times when stumbling upon something likable, I once made like eight different raw cakes in one week.

For lazier days I ordered in sushi from SuViche. Grateful for their fast and reliable service when all I wanted was to lock myself in for days at end. I have always loved my own company, which is one of the reasons I left to go sailing for many years. To get to be alone with my thoughts. But this year has showed me how much solitude really means to me. If a human being could turn oneself into a hermit, I think I am pretty close to it. Hence why I have now moved to an island by myself, but more about that later on. And yes, I still fall for the temptation of eating wild caught fish such as tuna every now and then. Although you have to try SuViches veggie roll if you ever get the chance, delicious..

Red beet smoothie with spinach cacao nibs and whatever else there was in it.

To have lived on Miami Beach with the playa three blocks away, I spent shamefully little time by the water. Wasn’t too fond of the touristy feel of South Beach. And couldn’t help myself day dreaming of rugged rocky shores that you could have all to yourself. I might have not done what other’s would call “the best of the situation” – but for me being alone, philosophizing and doing my own stuff felt much more appealing at the time. Many ideas and life concepts realized.

I found myself preferring the beach early morning and by the nightfall mostly. And while most people love Miami for the glittery parts of it, I kept being drawn to the cute little houses and gardens in the outskirts of the city.

And what happened to Duende (the boat) you might ask? We hauled her up finally and did a few weeks of work on the yard. Bottom paint, changed prop, covered the coach roof with a few layers of carbon to seal a few minor leaks and make the boat even sturdier (Alex’s obsession lol) etc.

Primocon on.

Had a nice sail up the coast to Northern Florida where the boat is staying for the winter.

Driving up my belongings to Boston from where most of my stuff will be shipped to my new home. Isn’t Scituate so beautiful?

And what happened to Alex and I? Oh that question I’ve received so many times on social media 😀 Such a hard question to answer, as nothing really happened. Maybe that’s what it was, looking at it from a relationship point of view. After having lived a pretty intense demanding life on the boat for five years or so, we both longed for getting back to being productive (maybe as a chance to escape each other haha). But you know, doing other things we love. So rather than focusing on us as a couple which had been the focus for a long time until then, we consciously decided to spend more time on what gives meaning to our lives as individuals. What a grown up thing to do right? Seriously speaking, there comes a time when you have to make a choice. Stay in the same spot and fight to make a relationship that had turned differently work (lots of tiny little unimportant things that caused frustration from both parts as it easily happens when living on 20 sq meters for many years) and eventually maybe end of hating each other due to the always present differences. Or, take a step back, reassess the situation and let both listen to their hearts without disruption of the other persons needs and wants.

The five year sailing trip (of 6 yrs relationship) we’ve been through together is a unique thing that has brought us closer. Made us into family. We never wanted to destroy the beauty and importance of it. Realizing this sounds like a piece of cake. It wasn’t. Making the decision to go separate ways when the love is still there and nobody have actually hurt the other in any major ways, that’s not a light thing to put on your heart and mind. But we’re finally on the other side now with immense love in our hearts for each other still, and that’s what matters. We speak often and it’s a very interesting time for both of us now with all new changes and moves. We will always be some of the most important people in each other’s lives.

We both arrived at a time in life when we both needed exactly that which we received from the other, and there is so much beauty to respect and be grateful for, in only that. As much as one have to respect the new changes that unfolds. And adapt to those accordingly.

So where am I now you wonder? Well I crossed that big ole ocean again (on a plane this time), and took a boat out to an island not extremely far from where Alex and I once started our trip. You know how much I’ve always been nagging about that Mediterranean sea… ever since we left it LOL.

Namely a little island in Greece.. here I’ve got my peace of mind back. The mountains, the ocean, the quietness and beauty of pure unadulterated nature. It was a long time ago that I felt this much calm and harmony in my heart. And life has gotten a new profound purpose. I am going to work from here as a health coach, and I’m also renting out some houses for tourism as well as for holistic nutritional retreats and such. All just started… but mostly I’m finding my way back to my self again which is the most meaningful thing with this move.

Hope you’ve all been well. I promise to be more in touch from now on. Thanks for following along like always.

Peace & love

❤️

Knowing your sailing routes

Following ones own advice is something I think most of us must get better at. I always tell my friends and others I speak to who happen to be in doubt or about to make a big decision in life: Follow your gut feeling! Listen to your heart! Your heart will never lie to you… Lately I’ve come to realize I have made the same mistake that many of us do. Also we do it who often seem to have the right answers to other people’s worries. Namely: I’ve been lying to myself. Or, should I say: I let myself, or my ego, be misguided by temptation.

Some of you old readers of my other blog might remember my little start up business I created up in Massachusetts?

My vegan take out/catering service that was created with my love for healthy, wholesome, organic, plant based food, the company I had barely time to open before I got offered a massive “once in a lifetime” opportunity in Miami. A wonderful, grand chance which meant I’d run my very own restaurant in a tropical city, far from the cold of Rockland MA. It would be huge with its 3200 sq. ft., and on top of that I was offered a big ass investment to get it started. Who could ever say no!

So I moved down here and got started. Gathered information, worked with architects to get the perfect drawings, inquired all my restaurateur friends about layout to maximize efficiency and workflow, changed sprinklers and inspected AC units, registered the LLC, met with engineers, planned the menu, made a careful study of the market, visited every vegan and vegetarian restaurant and juice bar, made a solid marketing plan, organized for construction, applied and received grants, started socializing and spreading the word, had conversations with future employees, visited the building department, dealt with regulations and restrictions…

But in the midst of preparations and the down-times in which I had to wait for anything from drawings or engineers to call me back, I’ve started to had this nagging voice in my head saying: This is not what you had envisioned of a life of peace and freedom. All this stress with administration, regulation, organization, financial planning and marketing strategies doesn’t rhyme with the simple life philosophy which you have searched for and gained in recent years. Was this the reason you set out on a long sail? I thought it was to gain clarity, peace and perspective, to find a way to live simpler and better understand the conditions of the human mind and heart.

Looking back at a text I wrote a couple years ago, about the perfect place to live. ~ Find it here ~ Not many of those points coincide with the culture and spirit of Miami and the United States. Old readers know that it had never been Alex’s and my vision to sail to America when we set out on our long world sail 5 years ago. After a few years of sailing the Med, Caribbean and South America, we literally only came to the US of A to make and save up some money. Because that is something anyone hard working can make a lot of in this country. The opportunities are endless if you put your mind to it.

So going back to what I as a human being really want from life, money is not what drives me. And even if it’s a necessary evil, I must realize that I don’t have to sacrifice the true happiness of my soul to achieve it. I figured by the time my company had paid off the investment and made good profit, I would be exhausted from working 18 hours a day seven days a week and I would be another five years older. Probably not much happier. I would have worked my ass off to one day achieve what I literally can have today . I would have paid god knows how many thousand dollar in taxes to a country whose political system, lack of real democracy, its weapon and war sponsoring, the destructive food and pharmaceutical industries, the relentless materialism and commercialism – all what I strongly dislike and see as failure of a society and which is working against humanity.

And how much have I missed being close to my family and friends.. Most of my closest friends that all live in Europe are either still doing their PhD or have a bunch of kids so travel overseas for them hasn’t been very easy. And would I now open my place, there would be no chance in the world that I could take off for a week or more and leave my business with 15-20 employees to take care of themselves within at least the next three years. I get tired and sad just thinking about it….. It is not what I want out of life. But it has definitely been a very healthy lesson that has taught me to listen to my heart even further. To really define and live up to my values. No I will never get the time and money back that I’ve invested so far, but I’ve learned so much.

So what was my real dream, the one I put on pause and which I thought I couldn’t achieve just yet? Living near the sea. Gardening my own organic food. Running a small ten tables tops outdoor tavern with food of the day served from the kitchen of the house in which I live. Sea view and walking distance to the beach. A healthful, genuine atmosphere and simple but authentic people as neighbors. Peace, calm and quietness and lots of time and space for inner reflection. Closeness to my friends and family. Time and room for just being, breathing, reading, writing, photographing, cooking, sharing, learning, feeling, appreciating mother nature and its magic… that is who I am and I can’t deny it.

We will always run into temptations. Some of which seems so alluring that we might lose the footstep for a while. At least that’s what happened to me. Though I wouldn’t ever want to be without these insights, as the experience is what made me redefine my values and really plant them into solid ground. I’ll tell you more about my move at a later time, but I have now seven weeks left in the US and then I’m finally flying back to my beloved Mediterranean. Will make the best of this time remaining and appreciate all the good that this country offer. I am thankful and happy for many things America has given me, one of the best things (besides the friendships made) is of course my degree in holistic nutrition that I have started to work towards, and which will be of great value anywhere I go and whatever I do in the future.